The empty shelves stared back at me. The room once full of clothes and suitcases looked gloomy and desolate,
deprived of the very things that hinted the presence of a fuller household. In a few hours, the bustling nest will be all quiet and well, empty.
Even as we busied ourselves weighing things, calling out
instructions and making lame jokes, we were all aware of the undercurrent of
thoughts each one was having. That in a few hours, we will be gone. That 45
days went in a whisker. Its funny how we think that not acknowledging the
emotion would somehow erase the pain. But it was all around. In the eyes that
already started missing us. In the uneasiness of laughs. In the restrained emotions.
The pain of separation stung each one of us.
Good byes are hard.
As I tell kaku that I will be back in a year, I realize one
year is a very long time. It scares me to think what the next year will hold.
It scares me that things might change, either for the better or worse and I wouldn’t
be there when it happens. That I wouldn’t be there when it really matters.
I remember the long conversations where hearts were bared and stories of scars shared. On every trip home, I get to see love, care, anger, suppression, respect, disregard, weakness and strength, pride and contempt, all at the same time. And every time, the barrage of emotions drains me because I can never finger what it makes me feel, other than heavy.
There are tight hugs and curt good byes. Tears well up in unexpected eyes. It makes me think if this goodbye was just a pretense. That the tears were just holding on for the right moment. It leaves me feeling if I could have done more than just listen. It leaves me feeling guilty that I am running away, from a family that might be breaking apart. Or maybe it always had been that way. Maybe, living far away from home makes you see the cracks. Or maybe, that's just how families are.
Goodbyes are hard. It makes you think so many things.
Life is made up of choices we make and we don’t make. Some choices
are hard, while some are a breeze. You win some. You lose some. Some hurt you.
Some hurt others. Life, when giving you something, also takes something. It’s
the balance that we all have to find. And peace in the choices we make.
Beautifully put Sampada. Loved the thought that distance puts relationships, home and family in perspective. That's true. Oh and goodbyes are tough.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tulika!
DeleteI used to go through similar emotions when I first came overseas. There's this guilt of leaving parents alone that never goes away. Goodbyes are hard, no matter how many times you say that. Loved the raw honesty in this post. Beautifully expressed.
ReplyDeleteThank you Rajlakshmi. I know many of us share the same story.
DeleteHeartfelt and I can completely relate to it. I guess we all go through these feelings while leaving home.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading Deepa.
DeleteThe longing in this piece is palpable. Knowing early on that this essay is about leaving family behind would have ratcheted up the conflict in the writing for me.
ReplyDeleteHello Nathan! I did not realize I was not making it clear who this separation was about. Thank you so much for your honest comment!
DeleteAh, your words brought a lump to my throat, Sampada!
ReplyDeleteDistance does make us look closer at relationships and families. Surprising, isn't it, that what we miss when closer to people, we can see clearer when at a distance? But, that's one of the weird ways of life!
And, yes, I too dislike Goodbyes. I wish I never had to use that word!
Your comment made my day Shilpa. I am so glad it resonated so well with you.
DeleteDistance does give us a new perspective. Always.
Very relatable experience. I would have liked a little more context earlier on, i.e. who is leaving who? Your final line... Wow. Leaves it so open. Great job.
ReplyDeleteDonna - thank you so much for reading. I guess I was re-living the scene so many times in my head, I completely forgot I was not making it clear who is leaving who. Sigh. Thank you so much for calling that out.
DeleteYou started out by pulling me in, and setting a somber mood. I wish you could have offered more about where or why you were leaving, I feel like I only got the edges of the story.
ReplyDeleteNancy - thank you so much for your honest comment! I will edit this piece to make it clearer. I understand I missed out on some obvious necessities to understand the story:)
DeleteWhat a beautiful piece, Sampada! Distance does put relationships in perspective, I learnt that having stayed away from family for far too long :)
ReplyDeleteA wonderful piece. I loved everything about it except the next to last paragraph that starts "Life is made up of choices..." It sums up the same story that you just showed so beautifully in the paragraphs before like a tidy little summary, and jolts me out of the messiness of the separation. Also, I really liked the lack of specific details and enjoyed feeling the raw and sometimes contradictory emotions.
ReplyDeleteI hate goodbyes and hope noone would ever separate from their loved ones. But change is constant and one has to move ahead retaining the threads of bond encircled in the heart.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful piece and very relatable. I also don't like goodbyes.
ReplyDelete