"Does it really matter, my opinion?", she slammed the drawer shut, rattling the steel spoons inside.
An uncomfortable silence followed. Sensing something was up, I kept quiet, treading my waters carefully. Now may not be a good time. Settling comfortably on the recliner, pulling my legs up on the extended footrest, I turned on the TV.
"..to create a topspin forehand, the head of the racket should be..." the tennis tutorial guy went on to explain.
And then, the ticking time-bomb went off.
As soon as these words fell on her ears, she stormed into the hall, breathing fire. Her eyes showed some kind of satisfaction for having hit the jackpot. She found a reason.
There was a hissing sound and something in the kitchen burnt with her.
"Mr. Federer, are you very busy or do you have SOME time to come into the kitchen and HELP me? If you are TIRED, and if it is IMPORTANT for you to SIT and watch this stupid tennis video after playing for TWO hours, its FINE BY ME! I can manage cooking and cleaning this hell hole."
"And WHAT is your towel doing HERE!?"
I watched meekly at her and then at the phone ringing silently in the distance, not moving, as the ball of fire turned and disappeared into the kitchen.
"Dude, not now. My wife is a little cranky", I mumbled into the phone.
****
Just one of my cranky days ;)
Thank you for dropping by :) The theme of my posts this year, for the A-Z challenge, is To Show, Not Tell. I decided to share some tips that I found useful when writing my posts. Needless to say, they are from various sources on the internet. I hope you will find them beneficial too.
Today's tip:
Avoid adverbs. For example, instead of saying "She shut the drawer angrily", I said " She slammed the drawer shut, rattling the spoons inside" which accentuates the intensity of the action.
Wherever you spot words ending with -ly, consider expanding it to show the action.
Also, I used the sense of smell (something burning in the kitchen) to explain the gravity of the situation. No woman likes her food getting burnt!
Wow! Quite a splendid lesson learnt early in the morning, Sam! That was too good, girl! Loved it!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Shilpa!! You made my day :)
DeleteGood, easy to visualize!
ReplyDeleteNot sure I'm buying "There was a silent discomfort in the air" - what with the silverware drawer slamming and no doubt, other huffy noises from the kitchen. I'd also watch "vague" language like "some kind of satisfaction" - just remove "some kind of," and it's fine. Always strive for the concrete and specific, unless there's a good reason (beyond teasing the reader - that's really NOT a good reason) for keeping certain information hidden. Then consider just not mentioning it at all. :)
Minor thing: "And WHAT is your towel doing HERE!?" is still part of HER dialogue, right? Eliminate the closing quotation from the paragraph above. OR, add a sentence, like, "She glowered." then put the rest of the dialogue in the SAME paragraph. Otherwise, readers get a little confused. It's a little, nitpicky point.
Overall, this is a great example of "show, don't tell" - and I think it's really hard to make sense of that, if you don't already HAVE a sense of it, without good examples.
Hi Holly! Thank you for that huge honest comment.
ReplyDeleteI should probably have said " An uncomfortable silence followed". This doesnt contradict the situation as much.
I like your advise of being specific to the readers. I have read that before and I didnt realize it could be used here.
As for the continued dialogue, she adds that after a moment of silence, more like an after thought. Hence I did not want to continue in the same set of quotes.
Superb narration. I smiled as it made me recollect my childhood episodes with mom...and my ongoing adulthood experiences with wifey.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's nice to see a blogger sharing writing tips. It's commendable that while most of us are racing against time in a mad frenzy to get our posts out there on time, you are going the extra mile to help others improve. That is a very generous and unselfish gesture.
Kudos to you.
Cheers,
CRD
http://scriptedinsanity.blogspot.in
A little cranky? That's putting it mildly :D Great effort there Sampada and I felt the waves of anger. I was just wondering about the use of capital letters - wouldnt that be akin to telling? How about italics? Any tips would be welcome - thanks
ReplyDelete