Destroyed in love

I sleep with fears crowding my head

Fears that I cannot tell

My head keeps throbbing all the time

as if living in hell.

Multiple emotions bottled up inside

Anger,sadness,frustration and hatred

Showing any of these would only mean

tearing you into shreds

Smiling is painful these days

But Smile I should

With feelings playing havoc in my mind

I was doing all I could

My wings have been clipped

I have fallen with a thud

Our life had just started together

But it was nipped in the bud

I cannot handle this anymore

I want to give up and run away

All I have to ask you is to let me go

I can pick up my pieces and walk away

Thats easier said than done

Without you I cannot be sane

My heart yearns to be with you

despite all the pain

I know its not your fault

Even to you, it was a rude shock

You held us together in these trying times

And stood as strong as a rock

My place is beside you

When it shines and when it rains

How much ever I hate it

I will learn to love again

I cannot bear to leave you alone

everything seems so unfair

Sometimes,it just takes a second 

for hope to change to despair

I promise I will be there with you

together we will deal with this blow

Thats the right thing to do

even if it means being destroyed in love.

An honest confrontation

There are some things ,small things ,that make you unhappy.. but does that small thing mean a bigger problem at hand...?When do you start looking for it...?

You might not agree with some opinions..and the disagreement causes a frequent rift between you two..

Do you just brush it aside just like any other fight .. or begin to doubt of it were all that good in the first place...?

Forgetting what he said to you and being ga-ga all over him again is a good thing..or is it dangerous that you are forgetting what it is doing to you..and forgetting that he might not have forgotten ....?

It is okay to forgo small things.. it might be even easy..but then why is it so big for him?Why is it so difficult for him to let go ?

How important is it to ponder over where it is going ? Isn't it enough that you get over a fight within moments.. that you have more laughs together than ugly altercations..that you are proud of him despite his flaws...that you have more uncommon than common, but still know how to be happy...?Do you still have to stop and look back to check if the laughs you had were real..? that his flaws dont bother you.... or if you are really happy or its just that you don't remember the tears..?

And what if the answers are disturbing....how ready are you to accept it?

Memory

Sometimes, all you are left with are memories.

I am becomes I was.

Past is all you hang on to.

Fighter.

Shit does happen.

And yeah, it doesn't just happen to somebody, it can happen to you.Your once perfect world can crumble.

She knew it was coming.She knew there was no escaping it.She is not even sure if she can pick up the pieces and move on .It scared her to think that it may never be the same again.She wanted to scream "Why me??" but she is mature enough not to.

It was like she was being plunged into a pit of darkness,all signs of light fading fast.

It was like all the doors were closing and she is stuck,with reality.

She wanted to call him every hour, She wanted to hear his voice.She wanted to be assured that things are alright.Though he never really said it,she wished to see that assurance in his voice.She was afraid to ask how he was holding up, because she knew that one vulnerable moment and he will crumble too.

Everything that they had built together was coming down bit by bit in front of their eyes.They both knew they gave everything they could to save it, but it kept slipping until one day, it just crashed to the ground.

She looked beside her and saw him.She needs to be strong.She knows she is a fighter and  fight she will.With him.For him.

Framily

Did it ever occur to you that you are not what you used to think you are ? Did you ever come face-to-face with a trait that you thought didn't exist in you ?

I guess you really know who you are when you are away from home. Sometimes, when you look in the mirror, you see a different you.All this while, the kind of image of you had built of yourself in your mind no longer seems valid and the worst thing is, you are not quite happy with the revelation.

One harsh thing that I learnt about myself is that I dont miss people much.Even my loved ones.And things.Its not that I dont love them.I love them with all my heart..and they are the most important people to me . But when I am away from them, I kind of get used to being that.Wherever I am.

Is it because I take them for granted ? Does it mean I have become so self-absorbed that I have started to care less ? Is it because I have convinced myself that it is how it is meant to be? Not sure..but I start to feel guilty about it and dislike this side of me.

This hit me first when I got married.The kind of marriage jitters I had before the wedding almost made me think about calling it off and I thought I would miss my home of 25 years, mom n dad, sister, grandma like never before... But there I was, happy like a child , who went on a summer vacation to a new place( yes, my wedding was in summer)! I was surprised and my parents were too.I was always greeted with tears when I went to "mica" and the goodbyes scenes were always a moist-y. My mom cried and cried and she was finally fed up because I wouldn't reciprocate.


I may not be missing them badly.. but I definitely miss their being around..

I miss them most when we all are walking together.. but suddenly have to part ways at the car.They go in theirs and I go with my husband.It suddenly hits me that I dont belong to them anymore.And this emotion never fails to moist my eyes.

I miss the friendly cheerful chats I have with my mom. We crib , gossip and share gyaan together..
I miss comforting ma that its okay to be frustrated.. I miss being the good listener..and pacifier and a good friend to mom.

I miss my father's loving looks he gives after coming home tired..how he makes me sit on his lap ( yeah even now ! ) gives that look..and instantly moists his tears. A tear-jerker he is ! I miss his antics, his unique ways of losing and forgetting things and how shamelessly similar we are in this aspect :D

I miss taking mom's side when mom and dad have a fight.I miss the hushed whispers and frantic signals and heart pounding moments when dad is angry and we are trying to hide something from him.Yeah, the entire family conspires against my dad.


I miss my sister..her non-stop chattering..stories of friends.. of friend's friends.. she is my best critic...I miss our silly fights..I miss dominating her..I miss going to movies with her..sharing dresses.. fighting over the cute top that she picked..fighting over losing the favourite ear rings.. fighting over who loves whom the most.. teasing her about the checklist she has for men.
I still recall how I used to hit her when she didnt understand simple math during our school days .She didnt have even an ounce of respect for me ! How she hit me back after I smacked her twice ! The nerve she has! But now, I am glad we can laugh over it.
She always had been a kid to me.She was almost four years younger to me and I never treated her like a grown up. But there were moments where she displayed utmost maturity in dealing with a situation in college and I am absolutely proud of her!

And then comes Ajji, my grandmom..she was always around when no one was at home..when we came back from school, then college and then office.Always waiting to hear the day's stories.Her particular interest was in food.A question that she never misses- what did you eat today ?!
She is a great foodie and I miss teasing her about never being able to say NO to sweets and rice despite being a diabetic :)
And she is an amazing reader.She reads every single word of the Milap that is ordered just for her.She reads the entire "Fursat ka panna" and is up-to-date on all the movies and filmy gossips.

Yes, we were one crazy family.And I am absolutely proud of us.

PS : Framily is family + friends :P

My little sis and me

With mom and dad and a grown-up sister

That lady in white in the middle- thats Ajji.

Ignorance is bliss

"I definitely think it was worth the money ", I said after coming back from a 6 hour boat ride in the backwaters.

"Do you know how much it cost us?" he asked amused.

"I don't know."

Anchored at Keewaydin Island,Naples,Florida.