Sunday, August 4, 2019

Separation anxiety.





the tears refuse to stop
the lump in my throat
a stubborn presence
adjectives like heavy heart
slowly begin to make sense

images flash my mind
of you falling from the stairs
 'amma' filling the air
of eyes searching for me and
me not being there

I imagine if you will see
the same love in their eyes 
the same warmth in your grandma's hug
A dam of tears bursting
at that silly meandering bug

Its stupid
its irrational
My mind tries to reason
But every cell of my heart
decide to ache in unison

Is it my need for you
or the need for you
to feel the need for me
I am a hostage of this bond we have
beautiful and painful as can be

amid all this chaos
I also feel grateful
to have felt something so profound 
Its alright that it caused pain because
all beautiful things have that abound.



- its funny how sadness evokes poems. 



Saturday, July 20, 2019

L - Lullaby chartbuster



The following songs play on repeat mode when its time to put kiddo to sleep.


If by mistake, You Tube uses its autoplay brain and plays a different song, you will find a pair of teeny weeny sleepy eyes stare at you as if saying 'what did you do to my song?'.


1. Neej majha nand lala...

This Marathi song by Lata Mangeshkar is a great find. I owe it to amma and baba for singing it to Siddu

2. Snow flake Snow flake little snow flake

3. Good night to you..

4. Twinkle Twinkle little star

5. Hush little baby..

PS : I am stealthily resuming the A-Z challenge. Nah, its not a challenge anymore, so A-Z posts is a better term.

These are memories that I want to record. Hence couldn't bring myself to abandon these completely.

Sunday, June 3, 2018

K - having a Kid




Having a kid is fascinating
A different view of world you see
It also tells you the story of
Of how you came to be

You let me peek into my childhood
to the time I was born
Now I know how my folks felt
when they had me in their arms

Everyday you learn something new
Learning the ropes of this world
I now understand my own journey
of how things unfurled

Watching you reach new milestones
has become our favourite pastime
Like finally touching the dangling leaf
after missing the mark a few other times

I sometimes wonder what you might think
about a kitchen full of food
A laptop there, a mobile here
Are adults upto any good?

I look forward to months and years with you
teaching you and learning from you
The best gift you have given me is
an unadulterated world view.

Just for fun!

You see the 'dangling leaf' there?

























PS : I know I could have done a better job, but I decided to move on. There is a limit to how much time you can spend on ONE letter!





Saturday, May 26, 2018

J - Journey to motherhood





Life changed steadily and stealthily. It first slowed down, in the form of pregnancy, preparing me for the onslaught of changes ahead, and now it is as if somebody turned on the fast forward mode and forgot to turn it off. I was pregnant one day and now, I am already making plans for Sid’s first birthday.

When I take a pause and look around, life is so different yet so familiar. As if it has always been like that. The car got a child seat. The living room is strewn with colorful toys. The closet has a tiny corner full of bibs, fuzzy blankets and cute onesies. Bottles and nipples and baby food fill the pantry, poopy diapers filled the trash cans, full sleep cycles turned into 2 hour sprints. The change was seamless. Natural. As if we had been doing it for ages. Or may be it was the single-minded focus. May be it was because everything else just disappeared. I don’t know. Our past way of life was just a blur.

The past year saw a myriad of emotions, emotionlessness also being one of them. During pregnancy, Sush continued his office-tennis-eat-do pending work-sleep routine while I took lone walks. I grappled with mood-swings(read jealousy) as life stood still for me, while it was the same whirlwind frenzy for others(read Sush).

For almost 6 months of my pregnancy, I was only a growing ball of mass. Devoid of any special emotion. Except for a fuller face, wobbling gait and a protruding belly, nothing had changed. I mean from inside. No, not biologically. Lets not even go there.

"So tell me, how do you feel being pregnant? Is this your first?" I see that sparkle in others' eyes that is clearly lacking in mine.

"Good!" I try my best to feign excitement.

"There, you see that ?! That’s your baby! And this is his heartbeat!" The doctor had exclaimed during my first appointment, a wide smile pasted on her face.

I remember staring hard at the monitor, unable to figure out which of those black and grey spots was my baby. I was hoping to be excited, feel that rush of happiness, heart swelling with pride, tears of joy streaming down my face, Sush and I holding hands and looking at what we made together.

But none of that happened. I couldn’t even identify my baby.

That moment was the first time that brought me close to reality, closer to the fact that I was going to be a mother soon. Mother. Something I had never been. Something that so many women have given their everything for. It was supposed to be special. Something had to happen inside.

Why wasn’t I feeling a thing?

--------------------------------------------

And then it happened. A tiny flutter in my stomach that lasted a millisecond. I sprung alive. The whole meaning and experience of a life growing inside me made sense. Everything suddenly seemed special and extra ordinary.

As days passed, and as my little dude grew from being the size of a mango to a pineapple, so did his movements. In the middle of meetings, while driving, or when I am just couching, he would stretch, roll all over or just nudge me as if to say hello.

I loved this intimacy and the growing awareness of my child. I felt closer to him after all these months, and really felt like a mommy-to-be. As my due date neared, I felt a tinge of sadness that I would soon be missing a moving belly that I have grown so fond of.

--------------------------------

We were making our first pediatric visit. At 4 days old, he looked so much smaller in the oversized car seat. He was fast asleep, head bent to one side, body slumped. His tiny hands were crossed in his lap, the peeling baby skin appearing brighter in the outside light.

It pained me to see him strapped like that, so far away from the comforting touch of a mother. It felt cruel.

I looked at his fragile frame, the black teeka on the temple, the toy hanging from the car seat, the pacifier in my hands, his tiny feet, the gentle rising and falling of his breath - and felt a lump forming in my throat. This tiny human became my world. In that moment, I felt a connection so surreal, so deep, that an overwhelming feeling of protectiveness engulfed me. I had something I would die for.

As I struggled with my new fears, I realized maybe this was how being a mother felt like.


PS : Yes, I am still writing for the AtoZ challenge. Sigh. I hope I can finish it this year.

PPS : Any ideas for "K"?. Theme is related to pregnancy and motherhood.




Saturday, April 14, 2018

I - Its NOT my hormones!



"Looks like a fresh batch of hormones got released", Sush mocked at me. I only became more furious.

During my pregnancy, I had a hard time convincing Sush that it was not my hormones but we were having a real fight! That my concerns were real. That I was really mad at him.

Why are husbands so annoying?
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