Sunday, June 3, 2018

K - having a Kid

Having a kid is fascinating
A different view of world you see
It also tells you the story of
Of how you came to be

You let me peek into my childhood
to the time I was born
Now I know how my folks felt
when they had me in their arms

Everyday you learn something new
Learning the ropes of this world
I now understand my own journey
of how things unfurled

Watching you reach new milestones
has become our favourite pastime
Like finally touching the dangling leaf
after missing the mark a few other times

I sometimes wonder what you might think
about a kitchen full of food
A laptop there, a mobile here
Are adults upto any good?

I look forward to months and years with you
teaching you and learning from you
The best gift you have given me is
an unadulterated world view.

Just for fun!

You see the 'dangling leaf' there?

PS : I know I could have done a better job, but I decided to move on. There is a limit to how much time you can spend on ONE letter!

Saturday, May 26, 2018

J - Journey to motherhood

Life changed steadily and stealthily. It first slowed down, in the form of pregnancy, preparing me for the onslaught of changes ahead, and now it is as if somebody turned on the fast forward mode and forgot to turn it off. I was pregnant one day and now, I am already making plans for Sid’s first birthday.

When I take a pause and look around, life is so different yet so familiar. As if it has always been like that. The car got a child seat. The living room is strewn with colorful toys. The closet has a tiny corner full of bibs, fuzzy blankets and cute onesies. Bottles and nipples and baby food fill the pantry, poopy diapers filled the trash cans, full sleep cycles turned into 2 hour sprints. The change was seamless. Natural. As if we had been doing it for ages. Or may be it was the single-minded focus. May be it was because everything else just disappeared. I don’t know. Our past way of life was just a blur.

The past year saw a myriad of emotions, emotionlessness also being one of them. During pregnancy, Sush continued his office-tennis-eat-do pending work-sleep routine while I took lone walks. I grappled with mood-swings(read jealousy) as life stood still for me, while it was the same whirlwind frenzy for others(read Sush).

For almost 6 months of my pregnancy, I was only a growing ball of mass. Devoid of any special emotion. Except for a fuller face, wobbling gait and a protruding belly, nothing had changed. I mean from inside. No, not biologically. Lets not even go there.

"So tell me, how do you feel being pregnant? Is this your first?" I see that sparkle in others' eyes that is clearly lacking in mine.

"Good!" I try my best to feign excitement.

"There, you see that ?! That’s your baby! And this is his heartbeat!" The doctor had exclaimed during my first appointment, a wide smile pasted on her face.

I remember staring hard at the monitor, unable to figure out which of those black and grey spots was my baby. I was hoping to be excited, feel that rush of happiness, heart swelling with pride, tears of joy streaming down my face, Sush and I holding hands and looking at what we made together.

But none of that happened. I couldn’t even identify my baby.

That moment was the first time that brought me close to reality, closer to the fact that I was going to be a mother soon. Mother. Something I had never been. Something that so many women have given their everything for. It was supposed to be special. Something had to happen inside.

Why wasn’t I feeling a thing?


And then it happened. A tiny flutter in my stomach that lasted a millisecond. I sprung alive. The whole meaning and experience of a life growing inside me made sense. Everything suddenly seemed special and extra ordinary.

As days passed, and as my little dude grew from being the size of a mango to a pineapple, so did his movements. In the middle of meetings, while driving, or when I am just couching, he would stretch, roll all over or just nudge me as if to say hello.

I loved this intimacy and the growing awareness of my child. I felt closer to him after all these months, and really felt like a mommy-to-be. As my due date neared, I felt a tinge of sadness that I would soon be missing a moving belly that I have grown so fond of.


We were making our first pediatric visit. At 4 days old, he looked so much smaller in the oversized car seat. He was fast asleep, head bent to one side, body slumped. His tiny hands were crossed in his lap, the peeling baby skin appearing brighter in the outside light.

It pained me to see him strapped like that, so far away from the comforting touch of a mother. It felt cruel.

I looked at his fragile frame, the black teeka on the temple, the toy hanging from the car seat, the pacifier in my hands, his tiny feet, the gentle rising and falling of his breath - and felt a lump forming in my throat. This tiny human became my world. In that moment, I felt a connection so surreal, so deep, that an overwhelming feeling of protectiveness engulfed me. I had something I would die for.

As I struggled with my new fears, I realized maybe this was how being a mother felt like.

PS : Yes, I am still writing for the AtoZ challenge. Sigh. I hope I can finish it this year.

PPS : Any ideas for "K"?. Theme is related to pregnancy and motherhood.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

I - Its NOT my hormones!

"Looks like a fresh batch of hormones got released", Sush mocked at me. I only became more furious.

During my pregnancy, I had a hard time convincing Sush that it was not my hormones but we were having a real fight! That my concerns were real. That I was really mad at him.

Why are husbands so annoying?

H - Home

The fresh smell of Sandalwood from the incense sticks wafted through the air. It was a bright Saturday morning and the newness of the day hadn't worn off yet. The T.V. was on mute, and Baba was pacing in front of the it, immersed in the news from India. I saw amma move in the kitchen, her wet hair wrapped in a pancha, chanting mantras and brewing tea. The rise and fall of her voice accentuated by the chai masala filled the room and my heart.

The heavenly smell, the jingle of the ritual bell, the mantras, the reassuring sight of the diyas, the physical presence of amma baba, the familiarity of it all - do you know what it felt like? It felt like home. Life felt complete.

I smiled in gratitude, thanked my stars and got back to work.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

G - few random things starting with G

Geee - the first sound from kiddo's mouth

Grandparents - cannot imagine what we would do without them

Gaana - All Gaane from Baba Black Sheep to Jana Gana Mana have been sung to entertain the little one. He listens to his grandparents singing with rapt attention.

Girl - what Sush and me had initially wished for, for completely disparate reasons.

Glider and Ottomon - Godsend!

Gas - there is more gas in the baby's tummy than in any gas station :P

Gym (playmat) - Siddu's favourite hangout spot until he was 3 months old

Graco - you are great-o!

Grumpy - the little guy's default face for quite sometime

Grateful - for everything life bestowed on us!

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