Friday, April 6, 2018

B - Bingo!

I pee-ed on the stick and prepared to wait for 10 minutes like I did a dozen times before. The last multiple tests were negative, and I was expecting nothing different this time. I was ready to be disappointed again.

But when two bright pink lines stared back at me almost immediately, first I thought, 'that was fast' and then, 'Heck! I am pregnant!'

A wave of relief washed over me. The extra line meant no more carefully planned 'activities'. No more medical invasions. No more baring my dignity. No more of hearing 'When!?' from people more desperate than me. A break to amma from pujas and vraths and what not.

I walked over to Sush, cautious with my footing (already!) all the while screaming and shouting nothing more than his name. Normally, anybody would be excited, but we were confused first. This was big. I knew we would be great parents. I knew we would love the baby with all our hearts. I knew nothing can be more beautiful than have a tiny fragile beautiful human being in your arms.

But there was something that was holding us back and we did talk about it often. I guess we were just not ready to give up the life we had then.

Although when I think about it again, this is not completely true. Yes, we had a great life. We used to travel quite a bit, work our asses off, played sports, watched movies, played poker, did potlucks, and even just lazed around a lot. But over time, the same things gave less and less joy, atleast to me. Weekends felt monotonous. There was all the time on hands but nothing meaningful to do. Something was lacking.

I started wanting more from life. And that's when I felt ready. That's when my passive attempts turned passionate. And Bingo!

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